5 Tips to Confidence

Confidence. You either have it or you don’t. We’ve all heard the story of that Little Engine That Could. The children’s story about the importance of confidence and believing in yourself; that when you have confidence, you can do great things. You can set goals and achieve them. You can live a happier life. But why is confidence so hard to develop? You may have confidence in certain aspects of your life and lack it in others. The question you have to ask yourself is Why? Why are you lacking confidence? Why do you doubt that you have the ability to succeed? Why do you feel like an imposter in your own life? Is it because you are afraid of criticism? Are you fearful of what may or may not happen? Confidence, like anything else, takes a lot of practice. It takes some time to master, and an effort to maintain. But that doesn’t mean it is out of your reach.

Among other various opportunities presented to me after getting some unexpected attention from the Japanese media by simply attending my husband’s baseball games, the women’s division of Under Armour Japan approached me. I was asked to attend a meeting to discuss a partnership with this popular active wear company. The women of Under Armour had seen me in the media, on TV shows, and read my blog and a few of the interviews I had done. The main thing I would get asked over and over was, “What makes you such a confident woman?” This was something that the Japanese culture struggles to understand, especially in women. They wanted to help women in Japan gain more confidence. They wanted to start a dialogue with young girls regarding their health and strength. They explained that Japanese women are taught to be timid and compliant. That they are told that being strong is to be masculine and not feminine.

The Under Armour team proceeded with a presentation that outlined why they wanted me to be their new ambassador. During this presentation, I started to tear up. It was everything that I had ever hoped to become and for people to see in me. I walked away feeling incredibly self-aware. I wasn’t always a confident person. I had been working on finding my own true identity and self-confidence my whole life, but it wasn’t till that moment when I realize just how far I had come! I was and am a confident person. I started to reflect on what I had been doing over the course of my life to reach this point.

I have compiled a few of my favorite techniques to help you improve your own confidence!

1. Fake it till you make it.

“It’s the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things being to happen.” – Muhammad Ali

The “fake it till you make it,” mentality is a proven tool in the journey to being a more confident person. Nothing holds you back more than your own insecurities. The more you portray confidence, the sooner you will start to feel that you truly are. Confidence is like a muscle; the more you use it the stronger it gets. It is a skill that requires repetition and practice, learned best through experience.

Stage fright was always a problem for me. I’d get in from of a large group of people and my heart would race and I would get a lump in my throat. At the same time I loved to perform. You see my problem? Whether I was singing and dancing on stage, or giving a speech in school, I was so afraid of criticism and failure, that I’d either mess up or simply shake in terror. But I knew once I got over those first few minutes of self-inflicted fright that I would eventually let go and kill it! I knew the more I put myself in front of people, and didn’t fall flat on my face (although sometimes I did), the more confident I would become. I faked my way into becoming more confident in front of people and commanding a room.

Similarly, in my first year of teaching, I had no idea how I wanted to run my classroom. I knew what I was taught in school, but like most things, it is easier in theory than in practice. I had observed various teachers, and learned some of their tips and tricks. I wasn’t the most confident in my abilities as a teacher those first few weeks. But I showed up everyday prepared and open to critiques. I soaked up all the advice I was given, and then made it my own. I became more confident in my abilities as a teacher the more I did it. Towards the end of my first year of teaching I was honored as a beginning teacher of the year nominee. I “faked” being an awesome teacher until I was one.

Learn how to turn off the self-deprecating thoughts of inadequacy, and focus on the positive thought: “I can.” All it takes is a little nerve and practice to get out of your own way of self-doubt to achieve confidence. Keep telling yourself those self-affirmations until they manifest themselves. Think of Muhammad Ali’s self-affirmation: “I am the greatest!” The more he said it, the more we believed him. The more you fake it, the more you will learn, the better you will become. You need to trick or train your mind into believing that you CAN. What you believe on the inside manifests on the outside, and vice versa!

Simply by improving your posture, you can start to feel more powerful and confident. This theory comes from social psychologist and TED talk superstar Amy Cuddy, whose TED talk video has been viewed on YouTube over eight million times. By assuming a powerful pose, like that of Wonder Woman, you will then subconsciously feel like you could in fact do wonders. Cuddy explains that when we are in stressful situations, we can derail ourselves from performing to our best abilities by fixating on possible negative outcomes. This neuroticism makes us less effective toward achieving our sought out goals, leaving us to feel powerless and less confident.

With Cuddy’s theory, you can become more confident and self secure by adopting these “power poses” which then start a chain reaction between yourself and those around you. With each pose you will instantly feel more present and prepared, allowing you to clearly pick up on how people are responding to you. In doing so, you can make adjustments to better serve them and your ultimate goal. Through this nonverbal communication technique, you can directly improved your own confidence. So strike a pose, but make it a powerful one!

2. Stop Comparing Yourself To Others

“You can admire someone else’s beauty without questioning your own.”

I grew up comparing myself to my older sister and twin sister, and unfortunately, so did everyone else. Every school year, I was greeted with a “Oh you’re a Westcott!” Insert instant pressure and an eye roll here. I sometimes felt like I failed in comparison, growing up in a house full of over achievers, with the expectation of straight A’s and athleticism. In my childhood, it was easy to compare myself to not only my family, but also the kids at school. I felt that everyone was always smarter, prettier, funnier, more talented, and more athletic. The moment I stopped comparing myself to others, I started to embrace what was special about me in my own life. I became proud of who I was and what I was doing.

When we were younger, it was about who had the best toys, grades, or who got the most Valentines in their paper mache mailbox. As we get older it develops into who has the best job, the most money, changing your Facebook status to married instead of single, who has the coolest car, the best body, or the most followers on social media. Comparing yourself to others is never constructive, even though we all do this constantly. We stop focusing on our own achievements and positive traits, and look at what we think others have as lacking in our own lives. We measure our own happiness and success by comparing our lives to someone else’s. But let’s be honest, we really don’t know what the other persons life is truly like. We perceive what we think is their happiness or success, and judge what is lacking of our own lives. Comparisons usually leave us feeling resentment and jealousy. We mentally become the victims of our own circumstance as the reasoning for our failures. Their so-called “perfect life” makes ours feel inadequate. This is severely damaging to our self-image and self-confidence. So how do you stop this? Stop worrying about what others are doing, and focus on your own race. Instead, appreciate where you are and what you have.

If you have certain goals and ambitions, then you are going to have to work for those things like anything else. This will take time. But just because someone pasted the finish line before you, doesn’t mean you never will. If your constantly worrying about other peoples achievements, you won’t recognize your own prosperity. Take ownership of your inner dialogue, and change the conversation you have with yourself everyday. Focus on what you DO have and not what you DON’T. If you are going to compare, compare where you were to where you are now, recognizing your self-growth. Be prepared to edit and change your scale of happiness or perfection expectations at each life stage. The life predictions of your fifteen year-old-self are probably unreasonable to your reality today. By letting go of these comparisons, you are freeing yourself up to focus on your own success, leading to stronger self-confidence. Worry about you, not what others are doing.

3. Haters gonna hate. Stop worrying about what others will think.

Confidence is not “will they like me” confidence is “I’ll be fine if they don’t.”

You always here people say: “I wish I knew then what I do now.” This wisdom usually comes with age, when we stop caring about what others think, and come into our own. We are all in control of our own confidence, but we choose to walk around in fear of judgment, doubting ourselves, and molding our lives around what we want to be perceive as. In doing so we aren’t really being our true selves. We aren’t being truly happy. We are giving everyone else the power to define who we are. We are a society of people pleasers who are always thinking: “Will they think I’m a bitch if I speak up?” “Will they think this outfit stupid?” “Are they talking about me behind my back?” “Are they judging me?” Just writing that made me nauseous, but we are all guilty of it, and it has to stop. Stop giving other people the power over your own happiness and self worth. You have to find the confidence to be yourself and everything else will fall into place.

The best things in my life are the result of me stepping outside of my comfort zone with the confidence of knowing everything will be ok. In coming to Japan, none of the other wives were in the media. They weren’t interacting with the fans, waving to the cameras, or putting themselves out there. But just because they weren’t doing that, didn’t stop me from embracing it. As a result of just being myself and welcoming positive opportunities, I am the industries first wife on a baseball card, been in various campaigns, and just released my first book! I have benefitted from staying true to myself, and pursuing the life I wanted without worrying what everyone else would say about it. Of course I’ve heard various chatter about people trying to tear me down or comment negatively on whatever it is I’m doing. But let’s be honest, they are either jealous, or simply unhappy with their own lives. I am confident and secure in myself to just smile and shake it off. Each hater is like a coal to my fire, to keep burning strong and bright! I try not to let other’s opinions of me dictate how I live my life. And I am a happier and more confident person for it. Having said all that, I like anyone else have my moments of self-doubt or insecurities. That’s when I rely on the inner conversation I have with myself reassuring myself of my own capabilities.

Now my life is exactly what I want it to be. It wasn’t what I had always thought it would be, it’s actually better. I let go to my previous perceptions of perfection and learned that the only person I needed to please was myself; Which leads me to my next tip…

4. Stop looking for validation from others

If you live off of complements, you’ll die from criticism.

You’re not going to please everyone. Not everyone is going to like you. And guess what, that’s ok! It’s really a relief when you think about it. Your own self-approval is all that matters. That is a powerful thought to own. Your life will change the moment you realize this. Your self-confidence will grow leaps and bounds. If you really sit and think about it, you are somewhat sacrificing your own dreams, ambitions, or simply personal points of view, in order to please someone else. When I say that out loud, I’m sure your saying to yourself, “but I don’t want to do that anymore.” I don’t blame you! The added stress that we put on ourselves for others to validate our own worth is pretty scary. Our own confidence suffers, because if we aren’t getting that immediate acknowledgement, we start to doubt ourselves.

Let me let you in on a little secret: most of the time, people don’t really care that much about what you are doing. They don’t sit and think about you as much as you might think about them thinking about you. Wrap your head around that last phrase. Trying not to concern yourself with these worries of impressing others, or seeking their acceptance is very difficult because it is in human nature to want to feel accepted. We want to belong to a community. I used to always do what was asked of me because I was afraid of saying no. I would worry about upsetting people. I would worry about disappointing them. I would sacrifice my own happiness, because I wasn’t confident enough to stand strong in my own identity and purpose. Then I realized just how many people were taking advantage of my kindness, cooperation, and hard work. Then I started listening to my own thoughts, limitations, and personal views. I was less concerned about who everyone else thought I was and started to focus on the person I wanted to be.

5. Take action

Nothing changes until YOU change it.

I was always told: “Don’t believe in what a person says, believe in what they do.” It doesn’t stop at knowing you need to do something, you have to follow through with action. When you start acting on things, you slowly change your circumstance to what you ideally want it to be. For me it’s all about looking for solutions, rather then dwelling on problems. Changing your focus and taking action will open you up to a much more confident life. Your baby steps will turn into gigantic strides to becoming the person you want to be. Solving problems is a great confidence booster, no matter how big or small. You have to start actively killing those negative thoughts of insecurity and doubt and replace them with positivity. When you start to have a positive outlook on things, they become easier to handle and solve. You become more confident. You start to change your daily conversation with yourself. You become more motivated to make your life the happiest it can be.  You will remain an unconfident, unhappy person until you take action and are mindful of the story you tell yourself everyday.

Last year I was asked to be an Octagon girl for a UFC match in Japan! It was something that I was extremely excited and terrified about. I knew how big UFC was and how many people watched it on TV. I knew how beautiful the other Octagon girls were. I knew I would have to be in front of a big crowd in a little bathing suit that felt like it was made for a twelve-year-old girl it was so tiny! I was afraid of what people would say about me, I was afraid of being judged. But I quickly nipped all that fear in the butt and looked at this opportunity as a challenge. Was I completely comfortable with the thought of being in a little uniform, in front of thousands of people at the ring, and millions of people watching at home? No, but I could be! I focused on eating right and training at the gym, so that when it was my time to get up in front of those crowds, I would feel comfortable and strong. It was an extremely intimidating situation, but once I was given the number card and took those first steps, I gave it all I had. I smiled, I waved, and I stood strong. Much to my surprise people started chanting my name! Talk about an instant confidence booster. I was allowing myself to be judged on that platform, but wasn’t concerned whether it was good or bad. I had accepted and completed a challenge with my own confidence, and I came out winning.

I also take action towards confidence in what I wear and how I present myself to the world. Dressing for success is not a new concept towards feeling more confident. When you feel like you look good, you change the way you carry yourself and how others interact with you. It shows self-respect and assertiveness to present yourself in the best way. Taking pride in your appearance might sound vain and self involved, but I’m not sorry to say that it matters when it comes to feeling confident. Lets face it, your not going to feel confident walking into a board room to pitch a million dollar idea if you look like you just rolled out of a dumpster. And what’s more, people aren’t going to put their trust in you unless you appear professional. There is definitely something to this “look good, feel good, play good” mentality that my husband likes to recite whenever he has to dress in a suit on his way to his games. Why do you think makeovers are so powerful? Because people get an instant rush of confidence when they are happy with the way they look. Please don’t misunderstand what I am saying. I am not telling you, you won’t get anywhere unless you look pretty. But I am saying that how you dress and present yourself will directly affect your mood and the respect you receive.

Utilizing these tips will have an immediate positive impact in your life. You will come to realize that you are in control of your own happiness and confidence. It can be scary finally taking ownership of your life, but the rewards are so worth it. It all starts with being mindful of who you are and who you want to be. Even in writing this article, in putting myself and my thoughts out there, I’m sure there will be both positive and negative reactions. There always are. I am ok with that. I am confident that my views and experiences could facilitate a positive conversation with those who read this article. I am choosing not to live in fear and uncertainty. Remember: confidence is attractive, arrogance is not.